Sunday, 4 December 2011

Random wonderings of the human mind regarding Cats.

Why, do cats have an unquenchable desire to wee in a fresh cat litter tray? I'm sure they have a "conjure one up ASAP" button that they flick in times of need.

Is there a real need to "drop anchor" and "nosh" on ones private regions when in company? (The cat not me) Then follow this with a "KNSSHHH KNSSHHH SLHNK" noise.

Why, when you call a cat they can be as deaf as a carrot, then when a tuna can is opened they can antisipate the noise before its even out of the cupboard...?

When you call a cat why is it only when you walk away Cat-less is it then they meow at the door..?

Corners seem to have a Cat attracter attatched to them, Papers, Books, anything with an edge.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The Random goings on of a 15 year old Cat.

Whilst i'm not one for having a go at old ladies, especially when this old lady is our 15 year old Cat Beauty, there has to become a point where you think "STOP". Now in human years shes 76, or 105 depending on which chart you look at. My opinion is going to fall with the latter. As of late she's taken to being the most crotchety moaning old fart of a cat that has ever lived. Dare to look in her direction and she'll stare into your very soul with her button eyes and give a silent meow. Dare to walk past the food station she'll meow so loudly you're sure your ears are bleeding. Open the door to  get her in from a night of sitting in the middle of a t junction and she'll growl terribly and run straight back out the door with a laugh. Now, this may all seem a bit built up and over the top, but we own a Siamese Cat, .. known for their nature of being,... well twats, we think we are quite adept in handling some of the more pressing feline problems. 

     Orient(our Siamese) only yesterday asked me what the meaning of life was through a curt meow to which i answered. "Tuna" ... and he sauntered off pleased with the knowledge i'd passed on to him.
Being a crotchety moaning old fart Cat  takes some practice, you can't just wake up one day and say "TODAY I WILL BE FOREVER GRUMPY" You have to work at it, subtly annoy your owners and smirk whilst you make them slowly simmer to boiling point.
Another thing that really does make me wonder what goes on in this old ladies head is the sheer randomness of her sleeping arrangements. I regularly think to myself "How can a cat be so inventive? Only last week i found her asleep on the banister, not to mention the bath tub, the laundry basket, on top of a flat screen television and under the sink.
Going back to the banister.. this wasn't just a "fleeting" idea that she concocted, oh no. She slept here for about two weeks. Every night she would balance herself on the platform and "sleep" ... Although by sleep it was a "1 second doze" then a mad panic when she realized her back end had failed her and she was looking at a hefty drop. 
Clawing her way back on to the banister she repeated this multiple times throughout the night. It was only when we were being woken by "THUD" after "PLONK"  after "CLOP" that we thought.. we HAVE to do something about this..I mean, she may have fallen off the banister, but she was lucky not to break her neck. The following day we hatched a plan. We made the laundry basket comfy and inviting and placed deterants (books, shoes etc on the banister edge so she couldn't jump up there) Needless to say it worked. She slept so soundly that night not even a forceful nudge of Orient plugging himself into her behind nostril first arose her. 

One late evening this September i was having a Late night bubble bath, (As you do) I had the window quite widely open as it was a warm night and i like the chill of the air when I'm in a warm bath. Beauty had taken to sleeping in the bathroom, as the above photos show. The last picture above is her attempt at hiding from Orient, she knew he'd never pass somewhere that had water so close. As I read peacefully on the warm night a figure of Furry Black and White descended on me. It was one of those " life flash before your eyes" If she jumps, which she definitely is about do, Beauty will be picking my skin out of her claws for days. To my immediate relief she adeptly jumped up and over my head and on to the side of the windowsill. You'd be forgiven for thinking this was on the inside that she'd jumped, but no, she jumped straight out the window. 

My panic returned and i jumped up out the bath and looked over the edge. I knew that the lobby roof sloped down outside the bathroom so her fall wouldn't have been immediate. I searched around in the pitch darkness shouting her name. Nothing. "BEAUTY GET IN HERE" "FEED THE CATS" ... A phrase we use to make our cats come running. They can be anywhere in the house and you say those words and you'll hear a "Thud" then a clopping of paws running in the direction of the kitchen. As i looked out of the window, Arm gingerly covering the bits i really didn't want the neighbours seeing, i pushed up and jammed my body as forward as i could to get a better view. 
"Mow" I hear.... Sitting in the far corner of the roof was Beauty. Not knowing quite what to do she meowed again. and started to slide down the roof, Looking where she could jump I shouted louder this time, "BEAUTY GET THE HELL IN THIS HOUSE" She retreated to the top of the roof and walked towards me, "GRAB HER" my mum shouted from her room as she watched the proceedings. Beauty started making her way towards the bedroom window, which was not covered by the roof, she did that thing all Cats do when they're about to either pounce or jump stupidly and fail. "NO BEAUTY NO!!" She made her way back to the bathroom and I took my chance and dragged her in. She jumped down and missed the ledge of the bath, Drenching her whole back end in water. She sulked off and wasn't seen for the rest of the night.
Only she could be that stupid
Now, I know that i've said some demeaning things about Beauty the 15 year old Cat, but i do truly love her. I don't know what we'd do without her, but i do know she's just going to get more and more strange as time goes on.

We love you Beauty!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

A Day in the Life of Orient the Cat 


- Orient comes into my room and drinks from the cup that was specifically for myself to drink when i wake up in the night. He looks up at me asleep in bed and sniggers. He turns to leave walking straight past his water bowl that seems specifically designed to gather dust.

After scoffing his jellied slop in his bowl he decides it's time to pay me a visit. That this visit is in the middle of the pillows where my face is pointed is purely coincidental and not a ploy to wake me up. 

After trying and failing to wake me up he deploys the "noshing" on his lower regions tactic which wakes me up to a satisfied cat grin 20cm away from my face.


Orient Meows for the 30th time today whilst i try and figure out what it is he's asking for. "I've just fed him, he's got a clean tray, he's got water" I think. I open the back door for him and he immediately makes his way for the table at the end of the garden and begins sun worshiping. (We like to call the back table his office, part of a complicated work life that we have made up over time. That'll have to be told on another post though.)

Crisp and ripe, Orient returns from the sun to go and visit his tray (not before meowing and running round the house telling us all of his impending poop.) Satisfied he's told everyone he makes his way to the tray. Afterwards he goes back to his spot in the sun, content that even though he has the whole garden and the side of the house where there is plentiful grass and hiding places he chose to leave his deposit in the house. Orient takes a deep inhale of breath, savoring it's freshness. His owners arn't so lucky.

Orient goes on a hunt of treats around this time starting with the ferret food, he quickly shrugs off the idea due to the food being too high up and the idea of climbing the side of the cage past the jaws of the ferret wasn't worth the chicken flavoured brown pellets. Rats food is not an option as flat peas and maize mixed in with the occasionally okay rat nuggets also wasn't worth the effort of picking through them, although the Rat nuggets bag alone may be worth a pop at later, JACKPOT is on top of the dresser. Now, whilst he is a regular visitor of the china figures, he can't reach the top, so starts to meow avidly and angrily until someone comes along and gives in. He FNARS then goes to his office at the end of the garden feeling king like.


"ACCHOOO" "MOWWW" ... "Sorry Orient" "MOWWWW" "I said sorry" ""MOW" "I SAID I'M SORRY!" *incoherent meowgrumble* This happens on every occasion where a sneeze is within 6 meters of Orient. With every Meow they become smaller, even more annoyed and angry until it's just an incohent noise. It's like he must have the last word. I imagine those words to be "SHUT UP","SHUT UP" ... "Shut up" ... "Shhhhh" and ...."fool"

Orient loves to chew on bags. Whilst a quite disturbing habit it's also one that his humans actively discourage, especially when you go to the local Tesco to find your bags have kitty slob and some form of foam which makes you shudder to your inner core. I'm sure he only does this activity so that new bags come in the house. It's not really Tesco or Sainsburys bags he goes for though. He likes the cheapest nastiest thinnest bags you can only find in a crappy cheap shop or a late night offie. The ones with the most dreadful smell of rubber seem to please him to point of no return. Has decided that my cat is a kinky MP.

Has been told by human that he is a kinky MP

Hovers over dinner plates and gets told to get down so proceeds to complain by calling everyone wankers.

Watches Beauty ( The older Cat ) walk in. Orient takes a whiff of the back end telling her "it's okay i know what i'm doing i'm a vet" then does his "open mouthed stare into nowhere high on crack" face. Orient follows her to the kitchen.

Jumps up with Beauty on the bookshelf and dreams a dream of cats bums and all you can eat Applaws cat food. Thinking to himself, it wont be long before i need a drink of water from my lovely humans cup that she left for me beside her bed. *snigger*

"They see him Rollin' they hatin'"

Check him out with his most Famous Picture here

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Picture of the Day

Oh how i wish i thought of this, 
Inbred Cat is Inbred.

New Blog! - Well, my first ever blog

What to write, where to begin, I'm sure i could write a huge War and peace book about my animals.(War and Peace - I used to think that was "Warren-Peas" when i was a child. Oh dear.

Hurrah, I finally have a blog, and, whilst i'm not even sure anyone would be remotely interested in what ramblings i have to say, it does keep me busy and not thinking about stuff which i really shouldn't be thinking about and sometimes feel the need to slap myself repeatedly on the face.(I never do, i'm too much of a wuss) 

So, this blog will be about my pets really, what they get up to and whats going on with them! I feel rather stupid for not having a cool blog name, like "THE ADVENTURES OF RAT WOMAN" Or an equally cooler one like "shockwave" which garners some would say too much attention based on ramblings of a teenage boy who likes playing computer games. (note - I don't actually know a blogger called "shockwave") So, if you happen to be "shockwave" reading this and you are a teenage boy who likes playing computer games then it's purely coincidental. 
Anyway i really should start on my animals, who are currently in various stages of war. Without turning around I can probably muster that it is Barry (a small fry rat intent on causing mayhem and being a mob leader) causing most of the trouble. Whilst knowing in the long run Barry will be a brilliant and loved addition to my cage of men i cant help thinking at the moment i may have made a mistake bringing in an 8 week old playful  and somewhat fearless pipsqueek into my 4 old brick sized layabout men. Whilst Richard (an egg headed rat) is the youngest of my 4 layabouts, he's very set in his ways. Dinner on't table and a scratch on the head and he's done for the day. Whilst Richard is a very friendly docile chap, Barry has made his simple life a little more challenging. Barry seems intent on exploring every single nook and cranny of the cage, that unfortunately extends to Richards bottom. 

The other animals in my life are currently sleeping, licking things they shouldn't and ruining toys. Orient (my highly strung siamese cat) only an hour ago seemed content on me tapping his bum whilst looking like the vibrations of my hand taps were pleasing to him. I'm going to go hand myself in to the cat police now.

Too much cat loving is a bad thing.